If you find it challenging to make changes to health-related behaviors and stick with them — in other words, to form habits — yes, it’s probably your fault.

[Cue record scratch.]

Am I being mean by saying that? No, I promise I’m not. Just hear me out.

I think we often approach habit change with the wrong attitude. We criticize ourselves. We strive for “perfect” instead of “good enough.” We try to make changes that someone else (our partner, our doctor, society) says we should make, without really taking the time to decide what WE want. All of that is a recipe for failure.

Let’s take a closer look, starting with self-criticism

What’s up with your inner drill sergeant?

Do you subscribe to the belief that verbally beating yourself up — whether in your head or in front of others — is the key to eating better, exercising more, losing weight, or otherwise becoming a more “worthy” human?

In our diet- and “wellness”-obsessed culture, there’s this pervasive idea that shaming ourselves about our perceived food failings, body inadequacies or health issues is motivating. Well, it’s not.

I’ve had several clients who, once they’ve shed the mantle of diet culture and traded self-criticism for self-care, look around and are shocked at what they find. Book club meetings, wedding receptions, group vacations, yoga retreats, restaurant meals, office break rooms and holiday gatherings will never be the same again, because the diet talk, body shaming and healthism is suddenly plain as day.

Food, whether eaten or not allowed to be eaten, is picked apart, and bodies dissected. “I didn’t earn this dessert.” “I shouldn’t be eating this.” “I was so bad yesterday…I can only have a salad for lunch today.” “How many calories/carbs/fat grams do you think is in this?” “I better go to the gym to burn this off.” “I’m not eating any more X until I lose X pounds.”

“I had no idea how awful it is,” my clients say. “I can’t believe I used to talk like this, too.”

I nod. “Once you finally see diet culture it for what it is, it’s impossible to un-see it.”

This kind of talk is toxic, whether it’s a loop playing inside your head or a means of bonding with other women over dinner — sadly, this does seem to be the domain of women.

Engaging in this kind of talk not only doesn’t help you make positive changes that support well-being, but it actively harms your mental and physical health. Negative body and food talk is associated with stress, depression and anxiety, as well as unhealthy eating behaviors such as highly restrictive diets. Plus, you might find that some people don’t want to be around you as much.

The power of “good enough”

Put your hand up if you are a perfectionist. It may seem counterintuitive, but perfectionism can hinder more than it helps. And it often goes hand-in-hand with negativity and self-criticism. When it comes to food, body and health, perfectionism is often tied to diet culture, directly or indirectly.

There’s the straight-up diet culture belief that if you don’t control your eating and your body shape/size, you have failed and will be viewed as a failure by others. But even if you’ve divested from the idea of intentional weight loss, you may still have rigid idea of what “health” looks like and how you should “pursue” health. This is indirectly related to diet culture.

Here are some ways I see this perfectionism manifesting:

  • Black-or-white (aka all-or-nothing) thinking. This includes beliefs like “I have to eat perfectly to be a healthy eater” or “Exercise doesn’t ‘count’ if I don’t do it for at least 30 minutes” or “I ate when I wasn’t hungry…I’m failing Intuitive Eating.”
  • Catastrophic thinking. This is worst-case-scenario thinking. For example, “If I don’t lose weight, I’m afraid my health will suffer” or “I am afraid people will judge me because I gained weight” or “If I allow myself ice cream, I might eat the entire pint.”
  • Should/shouldn’t statements. Ahh…so many shoulds. “I should weigh what I weighed 30 years ago.” “I should exercise every day.” “I should cook healthy meals from scratch every night.” “I should be able to stop eating when I’m full.” “I shouldn’t eat for comfort.”

All of this gets in the way of taking actions that are “good enough,” and turning those actions into habits. Not having the time or energy to prepare a “perfect” meal turns into ordering pizza. Not having an opportunity to go to the gym for a “perfect” workout turns into not exercising at all.

Let a simple home-prepared meal or a walk around your neighborhood be enough when that’s all you have the time and bandwidth for. Doing something is better than doing nothing. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.

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The role of self-compassion

Related to both negative body talk and perfectionism, research has found that women who prioritize appearance are most likely to engage in negative talk about their bodies AND have unhealthy eating behaviors. Women who care more about health than appearance, on the other hand, are more likely to show themselves self-compassion.

(I would add that this means caring about health in an authentic, non-rigid way.)

Self-compassion helps us build and maintain habits that help us feel well and be well, such as getting enough sleep, eating balanced meals and making time for physical activity, because compassion soothes negative emotions that may emerge if our habits falter — say, we have a day without vegetables, eat to the point of over-fullness at a meal, or don’t make it to the gym.

People with high self-compassion are more likely practice behaviors that support health for internal reasons, with self-care as their motivator. Think about it for a minute. If you are constantly critical of yourself, you might not like yourself very much — so why would you take care of yourself?

If you suspect that your internal voice is far from kind, what can you do?

Listen. To quiet that critical voice, you to be fully aware of what it’s saying, and when and how often it’s saying it. This can feel icky, and it’s easy to become self-critical about just how self-critical we are, so try to stay judgment-free — you’re gathering important information about yourself.

When you notice that voice popping up, gently shift to a more compassionate voice, like one you would use with a dear friend or family member who’s struggling. Finally, be patient — this change may take time, but it’s worth it.

What do you really want?

I have many adult clients who are trying to perform “health,” and that’s partly because, again, in our diet/wellness culture, we’re encouraged to have a health-based identity, to think of ourselves as “healthy.” 

Think of phrases like “Health is wealth,” or “You don’t have anything if you don’t have your health” that center health as both a personal value and a yardstick by which to measure other people’s value and worthiness.

Does this mean we shouldn’t care about being healthy? Not necessarily. But it is your choice as an autonomous, free-living human whether to engage in health-promoting behaviors. And your worth and your value is not determined by your health.

I think most of us care about our health, to different degrees. I also know that I see many people who are not taking relatively simple actions that would probably make them feel better on a day-to-day basis AND support their long-term health because of the idea that these simple actions won’t make a difference. They think that if they want to “work on their health,” that they have to go all-in and perfectly perform some rigid food and fitness plan.

However, when someone does go all in on a rigid food-and-fitness plan, they very well may find that it doesn’t actually help them achieve some picture-perfect vision of health. What it does do is makes them anxious, self-critical, and not very fun to be around (if they socialize at all, given that they are afraid to be near food that isn’t on their “plan”). 

They may get injured, because their exercise plan doesn’t allow for rest days. They may not be eating enough (or not enough of certain nutrients), even though they’re constantly stressed about what they’re eating. Then they get absolutely blindsided if they develop a health issue that is driven by genetics, not lifestyle. We simply can’t disease-proof ourselves.

Research shows that “good enough” behaviors (eating a varied diet with enough fruits and vegetables and other nutritious foods, moving our bodies most days of the week) have the most positive effect on our health. Do more than that and you run into the law of diminishing returns. Basically, you could be expending a lot more effort for very little additional benefit.

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Accentuate the positive

When you set out to make “healthy” nutrition and lifestyle changes, it’s easy to think in negative terms. For example, you might start “shoulding” all over yourself (“I should do this” and “I shouldn’t do that). You may even set goals that are restrictive or even punitive. But leading with the stick rather than the carrot can backfire if it leads to feelings of guilt, shame, deprivation, and failure.

Thinking in positive terms — the carrot — on the other hand can help you make changes that are sustainable and make your life better without waiting to reach some far-off goal. Here’s some food for thought:

Add rather than subtract

It’s easy to think in terms of subtracting things from your life (late-night snacking, that second or third glass of wine, “just one more” episode of that binge-worthy series). Why not reframe changes in terms of what these they add to your life — better sleep, more energy, more mental clarity.

Focus on how your food makes you feel physically

Looking to an impersonal set of external rules about what to eat or not eat can backfire if you find the rules unsustainable and end up “falling off the wagon” — or actively rebelling. Odds are you have a fair sense of both the current state of your eating habits and areas that are ripe for change.

Choose a few relatively easy changes to make, then observe how making those changes feels in your body. For example, let’s say you decide to eat more vegetables at lunch and dinner. How does this affect the sensory quality of the meal (color, texture, etc.)? Do you notice any benefits for your digestion after the meal, or in general? When you do make changes that make your life a bit better, that can motivate you to maintain your new habit.

Use curiosity instead of judgment

When you make a choice that doesn’t feel good — such as eating to the point of uncomfortable fullness or doomscrolling on your couch instead of going for a walk — rather than beating yourself up, get curious about why you made that choice. Is there a tangible obstacle, such as lack of time (or maybe a perceived lack of time due to procrastination)? Is there a mental obstacle such as fear of failure or rebelling against perceived rules? Are you simply operating on autopilot (mindlessness)?

Carrie Dennett, MPH, RDN, is a Pacific Northwest-based registered dietitian nutritionist, journalist, intuitive eating counselor, author, and speaker. Her superpowers include busting nutrition myths and empowering women and men to feel better in their bodies and make food choices that support pleasure, nutrition and health. This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute individualized nutrition or medical advice.

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